fencingsculptor (fencingsculptor) wrote,

Press-ganged – This’ll Teach ‘em

Recently I was approached, well press-ganged actually, into agreeing to provide a small contribution to the regular feature in our oh so imaginatively titled The Staff Magazine.

I was asked to say why I joined the Civil Service 16 years ago, and provide them with a fascinating fact.

Well I’ve given this some thought and checked the previous entries from the knuckle-draggers and window lickers that have previously contributed…and I’ve come up with the following possibilities…..I need to pick one from each category….now which should it be ?......

i ) Reason for joining Civil Service :

1. My Mother said joining the Civil Service was like a box of Chocolates, you’d be working with people who had soft centres in their heads, or working with a load of Forrest Gumps….(or some such thing…wise woman my mother…)

2. (Sung to the the kaiser chiefs tune)
Na Na Na Na Naa
Na Na Na Na Naa
Na Na Na Na Naa
Na Na Na Na Naa
It does not move me it does not get me going at all
Na Na Na Na Naa
Na Na Na Na Naa
It does not shift me it's not the kind of thing that I like
Na Na Na Na Naa
Na Na Na Na Naa
It does not move me it's not the kind of thing that I like
Na Na Na Na Naa
Na Na Na Na Naa
The Minister does not listen she's too wrapped up with all of her things
Na Na Na Na Naa
Na Na Na Na Naa
This does not get to me 'cos she's not the kind of Minister that I like

3. I joined the Civil Service in 1991 as a temporary measure while I trying to become a studio production trainee. In the end I stayed in the Department for the Environment, preferring the many different types of jobs on offer. And yes it was around about 1991 that I received a particularly heavy blow to my head.

4. I come from a long, long line of slaves civil servants, My Father and Mother were Civil Servants, my Grandparents were Civil Servants, my Uncle was a Civil Servant …. I was destined to become one.

5. For some reason the quote, “Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy”, has great significance…

6. When I was a child I shunned the thought of becoming an astronaut, a pilot, or a pioneering doctor. Becoming a Civil Servant is all I ever wanted to be. Mum says it was because I was dropped on my head, but I’m not so sure.

7. I was truly and inspired by the clarity of purpose, and the sheer commitment of the Ministerial Team and the Senior Civil Servants to the aim of bringing about lasting change and creating a Utopian society for this great country.

8. Stupid is as stupid does.

9. I think I received a message from God 16 years ago. I saw his message a Burning Bush and God spoke to me. He told me to devote my life to the public service. Mind you thinking about it, I live in a pretty rough area and we get a lot of burning cars and bushes and the like ….and I suppose that the voice of God could have been a bunch of Happy-Slapping Hoddies with ASBO’s and ringtones hiding behind a shrub they just set light to and yelling at me that I was a ****ing Loser and would never amount to much…..

10. No other ****er would give me a job.

ii) Fascinating fact:

1. I hate you all.

2. I collect knives.

3. I run the Communities and Local Government Fencing Club, which has become one of the most popular Civil Service Sports clubs in Central London. Since 2004, I have taught over 120 Civil Servants from most Departments, from Number 10 Downing Street to the British Library, to stab each other... with swords. Fantastic !

4. There's a voice that keeps on calling me.
Down the road. That's where I'll always be.
Oh, every stop I make, I make a new friend.
Can't stay for long. Just turn around, and I'm gone again.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down.
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep movin' on.

5. I see dead people.

6. I use most of the ingredients for Thermite ™ when sculpting and make cold cast metal busts.

7. I possess a cassette of the album “Tiffany”

8. I have no Music taste (obviously)

9. We’re All going to die !

10. Life’s just not fair.
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