July 29th, 2008


Man up why Don’t you….

It must be a slow news day today, because BBC breakfast featured a piece about male makeup today. Official confirmation from Aunty that the silly season has arrived.

Yep Male makeup just the thing that every Metrosexual guy should be embracing. ........Apparently.

Guyliner and Manscara to be specific.

As if to prove a point the journalist wandered the streets of London to see who would give it a go and not surprisingly got a 100% rejection rate. However, worryingly, when he offered the chance to try 'Manscara' or 'Guyliner', Blokes and their giggling partners were queuing up for the chance to see what they looked like ........... as a complete tit !

This is part of a frankly very worrying trend promulgated by stupid celebrity sports types and berks like Russell Brand (who I still find marginally less funny than a severely stubbed toe).

It started with Beckham and the his and hers fragrances foisted on the world by him and his vacuous stick insect of a wife.
Then your 21st Century guy was encouraged to exfoliate, then came moisturisers and now……… 'Guy make up'. Surely to be followed in six months time by 'feather boas for blokes' marketed under the banner "You don't have to be a Whoopsie".

It is wrong.
It must stop.

When Sir Edmund Hillary summitted Everest in 1953….was the order of the day , making sure his lippy was straight for the camera ….or returning safely to base camp.

When John Wiseman stormed the Iranian Embassy in 1980, while donning his black assault gear, do you think his primary concern was…"oh, does my bum look big in this". Maybeeeeeeee not !

When Steve McQueen tore up the streets of San Francisco in his 1967 Ford Mustang in Bullitt, was he surreptitiously checking his eye liner in the rear view mirror….er No!

When Michael Caine was planning his legendary Italian Job, did he schedule a brief stop at a small boutique on the Via Condotti….like heck did he.

Did Oliver Reed die from complications arising from an allergic reaction to his concealer or did he drop dead off a bar stool after a 24 hour marathon drinking sesh…… go on guess.

After resuscitating himself in his Aston Martin Vanquish, did Daniel Craig reach for handbag to freshen up his slap before returning to the Casino Royale...like bollox did he..... He went and had a shower with Eva Green the lucky barsteward !

In some like it Hot did Tony Curtis........ er, ok, that's a bad example.

I could go on.... The point is real men don’t do make up (even though some of us do actually quite like Quiche), and wouldn’t dream of doing so, unless there was a chance of getting to do the dirty with someone like Marilyn Monroe.
Frankly the only section of society that seem to think thaty Male Make up is a good thing are, coincidentally, those that think that think WAGs, Lilly Allen and the Geldof Space Cadets are really good role models and that Ugly betty is a documentary/lifestyle show.

If anyone comes at me in the street with a Manscara brush and I’ll poke their eye out with it. And they'll need a paramedic with a rubber glove to retrieve the 'Guyliner'....

Ablutions for a bloke should consist of a shower - a soap and a flannel... brushing your teeth and .....nothing else !

Yes, I'm quite comfortable with my masculinity thank you very much.

Hot Desking....Literally

The Temperature in the building last week and yesterday especially has been neigh on unbearable.

Yesterday it was so bad, I risked being electrocuted by a sweaty short circuit on my keyboard to send the following to our Building Management Team:

From: Fencing Sculptor
Sent: Monday, July 28, 2008 2:23 PM
To: Building Services Help Desk
Subject: Excessively hot conditions

Dear Building Services

I am located in XXX in XXXX House where we are experiencing excessively high temperatures in the Spur of the floor.

It is oppressively hot, and there appears to be no noticeable affect from the air-conditioning.

Could you please let us know when working conditions will become more comfortable or explain why things are currently so uncomfortable.

The response was as follows:

From: The Unhelpful desk
Sent: Monday, July 28, 2008 4:24 PM
To: FencingSculptor

Subject: RE: Excessively hot conditions


Unfortunately there is a problem with one of the chillers in XXXX House at the moment which means that the building is currently operating with just one chiller and is struggling to cool the building. The equipment is currently being worked on but it would appear that there is no quick solution and it will be a few days before it is running effectively again.

All that we can suggest for the moment is that you ensure that any blinds you have in your area are closed to reduce solar gain but unfortunately we do not carry a stock of fans that we can loan to people. Fans can only be provided if you have a documented medical condition.

The only good news appears to be that the weather forecast suggests lower temperatures over the coming few days but I wish to reassure you that we are working to repair the problem as soon as we can.

Simple Simon
Unhelpfulldesk Manager

So the official response to the issue of broken air-conditioning seemed to be, along the lines of "pull the blinds down to recreate working in a cave, have all the lights on burning energy and putting out more heat, and let's all just cross our fingers that the weather turns miserable so that we can work in comfort."

Personally I was leaning more toward the "hoping that some private sector twit did their job properly to ensure that it didn't break down in the first place" line…..

Jean Luc Picard says:

Jean Luc Is not Impressed

I’ve just been a bit of a klutz.

I just nipped to the loo.

As I was approaching the door I put my hand out to open the door, while at the same time, I looked down at my foot and noticed one of those oval labels you get on fruit sticking out from under the sole of my shoe, this distracted me momentarily. It was at this point I head-butted the door to the men’s lavatories quite hard , giving rise to a really loud thud and me going “ouch”.

I looked around slightly embarrassed by my stupidity , to see if anyone had seen and had collapsed in fits of giggles…..fortunately there wasn’t anyone around.

Just don’t tell anyone ok…..