August 22nd, 2006


It came from the 'In' Box...

New government terror threat levels leaked
The government is to publish details of the current threat level from terrorists, the Home Secretary has announced. In contrast to the American system's use of colours ranging from green to red, the UK system will use swear words to describe how serious the threat is – something which it is believed John Reid specifically suggested.

From August, the threat level will appear on the Home Office and MI5 websites, as well as on a new Home Office-sponsored website – - which will advise people what to do at each level.

PFL has exclusively obtained a list of the new alert levels from an illegal immigrant working as a cleaner in Dr Reid's office:


The lowest threat level. The security services have no evidence of a planned or imminent attack, but that doesn't mean there won't be one. In fact, there probably will be one.
Government advice: Be vigilant. Drink lots of water during hot weather and stay indoors during thunderstorms.
Government precautions: Keep our heads down. Arrest a few foreigners with beards every so often to make it look like we're doing something.


The security services are pretty certain there is going to be an attack in the near future, but they don't know what, where or when.
Government advice: Keep your eyes peeled. Alert your nearest Police Community Support Officer (approx 18 miles away) if you see anything suspicious.
Government precautions: Subtly begin criticising the security services and Home Office for being unfit for purpose. Award a multi-billion pound consultancy contract to a dodgy PFI company.

Up shit creek

The security services know either what, where or when there will be an attack, but not all three or how.
Government advice: Stay calm. Place your hands on your head and move back ten paces. Listen to the radio, but not the Today programme.
Government precautions: Realise the army's busy in Iraq , Afghanistan etc. Position traffic wardens outside potential targets with tasers. Arrest everyone. Send Tony Blair to Burma . Send John Prescott to Birmingham .


The security services know everything about an attack but can't stop it, or John Prescott has been left in charge of the country while Tony Blair is away.
Government advice: Forget calm. Get away from any potential targets, such as London , a bus or a large building, as fast as you can. Don't stop to get your camera phone out so you can get on the news.
Government action: Get the army cadets to guard London with air rifles. Ask EasyJet if they'll fly to Afghanistan to get our soldiers back. Send in the parks police. Put concrete blocks and barbed wire everywhere. Send Police Community Support Officers to the Imperial War Museum to borrow some tanks. Look tall, make a scary face.


Something's definitely happening. We might not know what, but it's big and it's bad.
Government advice: It's too late.
Government action: Spread disinformation. Blame the Tories. Pick a Country We Don't Like™ at random and invade it with what's left of the army cadets and traffic wardens. Ignore requests for an inquiry. Don't change anything and wait for the next attack. Ask Lord Hutton to blame the BBC.

Osama bin Laden was unavailable for comment.

Patent Pending....

For the record, this afternoon I have invented the 'Weremoggy'.

A genetically altered cat which turns it into an 8ft sabre-toothed slobbering Weremoggy.

...aparrently (shrug)